April 2009 Archives

I saw this movie today. Well, the end of a movie, about an artist who had a "bitter rivalry" with Picaso. It was one of those movies that brings up a strange, but familiar sort of panic in me. I am not doing enough. I am unknown. What legacy am I leaving behind? You know how it is with me. I wanted to leave my mark. Used to be very important to me.

My husband complains that his creativity is stifled at his current job as an Art Director. I lay awake at night when I desperately need sleep, thinking of all the art installations I might do, the books I really should write, the films I need to make. And I have yet to finish a scrapbook of my daughter's 1st year of life.

I'm not resentful, so please don't start that "It'll pass" cheer. I am, however, feeling quite reflective. More aware of where I've been. Where I haven't been. 

Some people are full of questions. They don't have meaning. They, perhaps, don't believe in God, or know what they are good at doing or wonder where they should live. They don't understand themselves. But, and I say this with all due respect, I am not one of those people. I was. But now, well, a lot of time has passed. A lot of things have happened. I learned. And I have answers now that I did not have before.

For example, I know how I like my eggs. This may not seem important, but it is. I once wrote:

"I never even knew myself

How did I like my eggs

I just danced around in pretty dresses 

and let you fill my plate"

It was about my dating life, my married life at one point. I just sort of faded into these men I loved. Lost track of me. I no longer do that. I'm comfortable in my own skin even if I'm not often comfortable in other places.

Yes, I have answers. I know where I want to live, how I want to live and who I want in my life. I know when to say No. No to many Facebook Applications! No to council meetings! No to expensive restaurants! No to credit card offers and a third appointment on the weekend! No to difficult friends. No to the 4th drink.

I'm good at that.

What I lack is time. Which some might say goes back to knowing when to say No. Time. I am 37 years old and there s not enough time left. That is the one thing I know that I am not content knowing.

I have books to write, several countries to experience and more than a few scrapbooks to finish. I have every reason to panic.