September 2012 Archives

That Was The Real You

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Got some news in the last couple of days that brought up a lot of memories. Lots of reflection happening about times of complete disillusionment, anger and worse, apathy. Times when I was so blinded by my own pain that I failed to see ahead. Couldn't see what I destroyed in my path to find myself. While I want to assure everyone that Mike and I are fine, I had to get out some thoughts that I may not have shared before. Bear with me.

Those times that I have taken a turn onto a different course, wether it be leaving my religion, getting divorced or leaving the country, I've found that the hardest part is reconciling the good with the bad of those experiences. Admitting that I did love someone I left behind. Is love real love if it changes, if the person hurts you? What if you hurt them? Does that mean what you shared was false all along? Was I lying to myself? 

I have this vivid memory of myself from 1997. I am standing on a hill in Switzerland with a person I loved with a hope so strong it disorients me. I look out at the field before me, willing the moment to last forever.

But it didn't. It didn't last, at least not like that. For a long time when I looked back on that moment, I hated myself. I hated that I believed everything I said to the lover who was there and all the people around me. I questioned my ability to ever trust myself again.

I guess part of getting older is accepting that all those parts of my life are valid. The good is no less good because of the bad. I am still very much that young woman on that hill. I'm that moment, with all the ones after, perfectly evolving. I was there. I lived it. I own it. I went forward from that moment and made my way here where I am today.