Recently in Bitching Category
Wednesday night, thru tears, I wrote a very detailed entry about all the reasons and emotions behind my feelings toward living here in NJ. But the power of the internet is not great enough to contain such emotion, apparently. Firefox wiped all my tear filled sentences away - just like that.
So today, like many days lately, I just don't have the energy to go through it all again. The gist of it is this:
After a year and a half of living here in NJ, I sadly report that I have not gotten used to it. In fact, I have many regrets about leaving California. I knew these regrets would come. I'm used to ups and downs of starting a new life in a new place. But what I wasn't prepared for was the seemingly endless battle to make my place here or the financial hit that our family would take from living in the NE during a recession and how our effort to stay afloat would take time away from our family.
There are a lot of good things about NJ, however. I love our house, which we have made a real home. Also, there are the parks, the proximity to NYC, the comfort of having family nearby to help us with August. Recently, I have even started to make a few friends, whom, I have no doubt will be of the lifelong variety if I am around long enough. But there is so much more to daily life than these things. Most of my days are spent alone. Alone in the truest sense of the word.
I think I have avoided being completely honest with myself about all these things because I kept thinking that if I just hang around long enough I will, as I said, "get used to it". Instead, Mike has become increasingly disillusioned with the way things are as well. Some of his complaints are the same and some are different. For one, he has the added confusion of trying to assimilate back into his family as an adult who is a husband and father. This is so much easier said than done and the process takes an emotional drain on everyone involved. I have quite the appreciation for my older siblings for going through it all with our parents first so that anything I have done in my adult life has been about as hard as eating a pan full of brownies. Poor Mike is the eldest of four.
I don't know what all this means exactly. I just felt like saying it - getting it off my chest. And I admit, perhaps I just need to see it in print so I can move on to the next step - whatever that is. Maybe we'll move when the economy picks up. Maybe we'll take frequent vacations away from the sucky weather and the mean drivers. Maybe I'll feel justified in eating mint chocolate chip ice cream every day.
Meanwhile, bear with me while I muddle through. And I promise to stop picking on NJ as soon as it stops living up to it's bad reputation.
So today, like many days lately, I just don't have the energy to go through it all again. The gist of it is this:
After a year and a half of living here in NJ, I sadly report that I have not gotten used to it. In fact, I have many regrets about leaving California. I knew these regrets would come. I'm used to ups and downs of starting a new life in a new place. But what I wasn't prepared for was the seemingly endless battle to make my place here or the financial hit that our family would take from living in the NE during a recession and how our effort to stay afloat would take time away from our family.
There are a lot of good things about NJ, however. I love our house, which we have made a real home. Also, there are the parks, the proximity to NYC, the comfort of having family nearby to help us with August. Recently, I have even started to make a few friends, whom, I have no doubt will be of the lifelong variety if I am around long enough. But there is so much more to daily life than these things. Most of my days are spent alone. Alone in the truest sense of the word.
I think I have avoided being completely honest with myself about all these things because I kept thinking that if I just hang around long enough I will, as I said, "get used to it". Instead, Mike has become increasingly disillusioned with the way things are as well. Some of his complaints are the same and some are different. For one, he has the added confusion of trying to assimilate back into his family as an adult who is a husband and father. This is so much easier said than done and the process takes an emotional drain on everyone involved. I have quite the appreciation for my older siblings for going through it all with our parents first so that anything I have done in my adult life has been about as hard as eating a pan full of brownies. Poor Mike is the eldest of four.
I don't know what all this means exactly. I just felt like saying it - getting it off my chest. And I admit, perhaps I just need to see it in print so I can move on to the next step - whatever that is. Maybe we'll move when the economy picks up. Maybe we'll take frequent vacations away from the sucky weather and the mean drivers. Maybe I'll feel justified in eating mint chocolate chip ice cream every day.
Meanwhile, bear with me while I muddle through. And I promise to stop picking on NJ as soon as it stops living up to it's bad reputation.
I had big thoughts to speak of but just spent the last hour trying to figure out why my Twitter badge (See green square, upper right) displays my quotation marks all screwy. Now I'm exhausted from struggling with discouraged brain cells. And my ass is numb.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Some people dream of the day when the doctor says "What you need is some rest. I insist that you spend at least the next few days in bed." And I admit, I was one of those people. Until now.
I've been in bed for approximately 24 hours and I'd give just about anything to be allowed to do something besides surf the internet and watch movies. Do you have any idea how bad daytime TV is?
I've been in bed for approximately 24 hours and I'd give just about anything to be allowed to do something besides surf the internet and watch movies. Do you have any idea how bad daytime TV is?
Continue reading Numb Buns.
We have a new babysitter. She's 15 years old and she has been over the last two Tuesdays to play with August for 3 hours while I answer emails or read the final Harry Potter book. I met her at a Christmas party where she was attending with her parents. Her family are friends of friends and because she seemed to like my daughter so much everyone kept suggesting I have her babysit. They seemed to think she was a godsend.
I waited a month and a half to call her because I think she's a nice girl who has the potential to become one of the people I am referring to when I use the term "burden on society".
- She hates school. Fine, lots of kids hate school. I did.
- She wants to drop out because she already knows what she wants to be - a cosmetologist. Because there is such a shortage of those...
- She's a cheerleader. Normally this is not a drawback. But added with the rest of the list, it boggles my mind.
- She may have flunked a class. Again, I did this too. But she thinks it's funny.
- She wore flip flops with socks to my house yesterday when it was snowing outside. When I asked her if she was cold she said No. If I slap her, do you think she'll say it didn't hurt?
- Her cell phone voice mail greeting is "Hi this is C. I'm probably home right now just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and I'll call you back. If I don't call you back, take a hint, it's probably you." I almost hung up right then.
- She can't spell. Yesterday she wrote on August's chalk board "Your a nut." Come on! We let these people graduate?
I have been so careful up to this point about who I let in my daughter's life, who I allow to influence her. We hardly ever smoke crack in front of her and it's been at least a year since we sold the strip club. But seriously. While this girl is okay and seems to like August, the first time my daughter shows any signs of wanting to wear socks with sandals I am so firing that bitch.
I hear that women are natural multitaskers. Natural if you consider that we have no choice.
At this moment, I am uploading photos to my Flickr account, checking the primary election results, listening to the new babysitter play with August downstairs, answering emails and writing this blog. In a moment, I'm going to start reading the final Harry Potter book with my left eye because, hell, it's just sitting there doing nothing.
This might be the only time I can bring this up, but I won an award for Outstanding Office Aid in my middle school when I was in the 8th grade. When I accepted that award I specifically remember thinking two things, "Wow, they like me because I can do several things at once." And "Wait, does that mean that other people can't do that?" I admit, I was a wee bit proud of myself.
The unfortunate twist of my "special gift" if you will, is that it does not work unless I have had an adequate amount of sleep. Looking back, I'm all like Of course I won that award in 8th grade! I wasn't a mother then.
Did you know that the US is one of only 4 countries that have no policy regarding paid maternity leave? The other countries who treat their mothers the way we do is Swaziland, Liberia and Papa New Guinea. Did you know that the French government provides in home help for new mothers? For free.
I have a friend down the street who was a single mom at 18 years old. She worked three jobs and supported her son. He is 15 now - great kid. She's married, has another son who is three and is pregnant with twins. Her husband works seven days a week to support them. And when I see her, all I do is wonder how the hell she's going to survive having all these kids to care for with no help. Holy hell. I mean, she'll do it. She's amazing. But when will she sleep??
Ya know, you're not supposed to drive a car if you're tired. But you can be responsible for a helpless baby who needs non-stop attention. That's how we roll here in the US. We give moms all kinds of advice and then send them out to the war zone with no freaking help. Good Luck! Some people actually laugh when we tell new moms how little sleep they'll be getting. Sadistic little shits, they are.
As these election results come in, I can't help but wonder what these candidates would have said to a debate question like this. "What plans do you have to provide assistance to new mothers so that our current maternity policies will no longer be that of a third world country?"
I worked at all three places. Deutsche Bank, Chabad of San Diego and Crowe & Dunlevy. If that's not enough to make a person hate the tap dance of office culture, I don't know what is. Which is why I can completely relate to this clip on a serious level.
Today is one of those days when everyone would be better off if I wasn't the Mommy.
Or the wife, for that matter.
Continue reading Days Like This.
Hey, look. It's me when I had friends.
Continue reading If I Had A Left Nut.
I knew it wasn't all in my head.
I grew up in Oklahoma. I now live in NJ.
I've gone from a state where everyone at a four way stop begs the other person to go first,
to a state where everyone races to (and floats through) at a four way stop while giving the bird to all three other drivers.
If I had that DELETE button I spoke of, there wouldn't be many people on the parkway after I was out for a drive.
