Lessons: August 2008 Archives

I was going through some old files on my hard drive and found this, circa 2004, probably. That was when I thought maybe I'd like to write for GQ. That alone, is comedy enough.

Things You Don’t Know About Women:

We wish all of you were required to take a class on how to bring us to orgasm. Because 90% of you have no clue.

Hiding your "package" behind sheets, a pillow or your fumbling hands after sex is not good. Letting it all hang out, like the man we know you are reeks of confidence and may get you a second round.

We want to love you. We really do.

We don't want to think about car maintenance, how to make the stereo sound better or what brand of tools are in the garage.

We think that if you want us to buy bigger breasts, it's only fair that you buy a bigger dick.

Your mother doesn't like us and we know it.

The amount we trust you and the more communication you give is directly linked to how much and what quality nooky you'll be getting.

We are counting your drinks at dinner even if you aren't.

If we feed you, clean your apartment or buy you an item of clothing, we are probably falling in love with you.

Watching you play on a sports team or in a band makes us want to rip your clothes off right then and there. So don't ignore us after the big game; we're just getting started.