Slow Motion Race http://www.slowmotionrace.com/ If life is a race, I'm going to take my time and enjoy it. The end can wait. en Copyright 2012 Sun, 01 Apr 2012 15:14:41 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://www.rssboard.org/rss-specification Days Like These
Thankfully, I am just about out the door to another delicious meal at said in-laws and I'll forget that there are only for days until Spring Break and I have nothing special planned yet to keep me from insanity during that extended time alone with the kids. The weather. Oh gawd, the weather.

To cheer myself I have been listening to some music while I clean and putter around the house. I bet you don't know this about me, but I love reggae and ska music. Oh, and jazz. Mixed together. Seriously. Stop laughing, I do. When I lived in CA, I developed a taste for it and it's my music of choice on days like today. The group that does this best is Cat Empire, who I saw live in San Diego several years ago. So, I thought I might share them with you in case you are feeling blue, or bored or are unpacking in a new house and miss me. Hi Angela!


]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/04/days-like-these.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/04/days-like-these.php Sun, 01 Apr 2012 15:14:41 -0500 Violence In The Home
Parenting is hard. I don't know why, but whenever I say that I wonder if people will think it's a cry for help, or worse, a  statement that I do not like parenting. Neither of these things are true today. I was just thinking that there are things that we say about raising kids all the time that simply are not true. 

I mean, I don't think anyone can make the assessment that a kid is unaffected by any particular bad or good thing because it's a crapshoot. Often, the things I think my kids will obsess about turn out to score low on the Richter scale. And other things, seemingly unimportant things, change how they feel about life in general. 

So, while I could worry all night if sword fighting the dangerous pillows in our home is going to cause irreparable damage to their fragile little minds, I'm going to instead bask in the glory that is Mom Heroism, make us an organic frozen pizza and call it a night.


]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/violence-in-the-home.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/violence-in-the-home.php Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:38:24 -0500 Girl, You Know It's True
But it did get me reminiscing about those days when nothing pleased me more than going on an alcohol fueled dance-a-thon with a few of my most irresponsible friends. Trolling for trolls, apparently. Knowing we would never find Mr. Right at a club called Crosswinds but going anyway because we were brave and bored.

I have had some of the craziest crap said to me by guys. I looked for that diamond in the rough. I remained optimistic even in the face of ignorant, sexist, Ijustwokeupwhereami times. But there is one guy that stands out as the awkward moment of my dating mis-steps. I call him Serendipity Guy.

Serendipity guy sat across a table from me at IHop in the wee hours of a Saturday morning after we left a dance club.
Him: I can't believe I met you tonight. I don't know what it is - what's that word? That movie with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale?
Me: Serendipity?
Him: Yes. Serendipity! It's "serendipity". That's what this is. This is so amazing. I feel at peace, like this was meant to be. Do you know what I mean?

Did I know what he meant?? Uh huh. I sure did. He said serendipity and and I heard "You have reached the lowest point in your dating life. This moment is crack-pipe awful, so, obviously, it can only get better from here."

That dude left with a wrong number and I left with the knowledge that, indeed, there is a lameness that few of us can testify does exist in the hearts of desperate men.




]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/i-was-recently-invited-to.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/i-was-recently-invited-to.php Fri, 30 Mar 2012 20:07:44 -0500 10 Things You May Not Know About Me
1) A very long time ago, in a land where many of you live, I did the high jump in a track meet and jammed my pinky, ending my shot at the gold medal someday.

2) The act of smoking or being a "smoker" is something I have never understood. If I have an unfair intolerance of something- it's that. Honestly, I feel bad about my reaction when someone tells me they smoke. You'd think they just told me they eat bloody kittens for fun. I'm sorry, smokers!

3) I still am shocked when someone I actually like un-friends me on Facebook. I may be a left-leaning agnostic, but it's not like I smoke, geez.

4) While I LOVE NYC, it's not my dream to live in the city. To have an extra apartment in the city, yes. But I need space. Lots of it.

5) I'm not a Democrat. I'm not a Republican either. 

6) My very first online screen name was Snowite. Yes, spelled just like that. 

7) I have a very hard time lying. Which also means I can come off as being tactless. I'm willing to put up with some people thinking I'm an asshole if it means I won't have to lie.

8) I view people who don't like me with avid curiosity, not anger. Clearly, they do not know me and fail to appreciate my efficiency and honest charm. 

9) I'm a terribly sassy drunk. That's why I rarely drink and always stop after three.

10) Often, when someone is telling me about a problem I think, "Been there, done that." Unless they are talking about drugs. Then I'm all "WTF? GET OUT!"

Alright now. I've shared. I feel way better. 
]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/10-things-you-may-not-know-about-me.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/10-things-you-may-not-know-about-me.php Thu, 29 Mar 2012 19:54:52 -0500 Well Somebody Is Going To Regret This
Asher had the realization today that one day he will actually drive a car. When he is BIG he will have his own car. He nearly crapped himself when that sunk in. He also did a curious thing while on the crapper today. He cried FOR THE CAMERA.  I kid you not.

When he was about 2 years old he had this bizarre crying fit when I gave him a slice of cheese and it tore while he was trying to eat it. He is very specific about how he likes his cheese and chocolate. They both have to be served in undamaged squares. I do my best, but this day he was tired and all hell broke lose when that cheese slice came apart. He was crying and being delirious so I did what I do best. I recorded it to show to him at a later date and also to share with family. That clip still makes me laugh.

So today when I brought him upstairs for an um, poop, he got really upset that I was probably going to have to change his underpants and just started wailing. I mean, full, no holding back, tears. Loud. Loud as the day is long. He really had no reason to be so upset so I knew he was tired. This was a cry about his needing more uninterrupted sleep, his allergies and his struggle with independence than it was about the task at hand. It struck me as so hysterical because while he was doing this I was having a normal adult conversation with my friend, Charlie via text. Asher is screaming and I suddenly get the idea. "We should get this on video." He stopped crying like an actor on set; smiled and said OK.

This is our 2nd take. Behind the camera I encouraged him to let lose and ham it up. He did. Now we either need to call an agent or a therapist.

]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/well-somebody-is-going-to-regret-this.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/well-somebody-is-going-to-regret-this.php Wed, 28 Mar 2012 20:00:11 -0500 Our Tree Named Steve Here is the line that broke me:

"Through the years Mom and I have tried to show you, in a world filled with strangers, the peace that comes from having things you can count on and a safe place to return to after a hard day or a long trip."

My place that I counted on when I was a kid was 804 Willowbrook Drive in Midwest City, Oklahoma. And when we left that place when I was 13, I never felt quite at home any place after until now. But what made me cry is the knowledge that this isn't the place we will stay to watch our kids grow up. We hoped it would be, but we were wrong. We have no official move date, no finalized plans. We just know that the house is to small, the neighborhood not a good fit, and the cost of living too high. 

My husband says home is wherever we are. This is true on many levels. But he knows what I am talking about. He grew up in the most wonderful home. It has creaky wood floors, large trees, a creek, room to run and delicious smells always coming form the kitchen. His parents still live in that house about 7 miles from here. Hell, when we visit, it's hard for me to leave! 

I've moved a lot in my life and I credit some good parts of who I am to that. But I don't want my kids to move around much at all. They are not me. And I am not married to a military guy like my dad. I want a tree for a treehouse and shade. I want to live in the house that is big enough to accommodate in-laws and siblings of all sizes. It doesn't have to be new. It doesn't even have to be pretty- at first. It just has to be a place we can count on.
But just in case the Universe is listening; it wouldn't hurt if that place had a pool. We'll name it George.


]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/our-tree-named-steve.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/our-tree-named-steve.php Tue, 27 Mar 2012 09:18:37 -0500 With a Side of Toxins She knew exactly what I was talking about and proceeded to point out all the lines which really are natural and don't contain carcinogens. 

I think it kind of pisses people off when I do stuff like this. I've heard over and over the line "Everything causes cancer!" And I get it. I get that it's hard and sometimes annoying and inconvenient to change what you are buying and look out for yourself and the environment. 

I buy a lot of things that are out of the "norm" these days. And sometimes I'd like to just go to Target and buy the same shit everyone else buys because it's like RIGHT THERE in front of me for a mere $3.99, or whatever. But then I think about the fact that people used to think smoking was OK too. They used to think the world was flat. I remember that many big companies don't give a crap about me, my kids, the quality of my life. And I remember that I am responsible for myself. Nobody else will take care of me as good as me.  

Sure, we are all going to die someday, but I'm hoping that in the last half of my life I will have a better chance of being healthy-ish than it would if didn't make these better choices. I'm not trying to be the goody police or get kudos for doing the "right" thing. In truth, I'm just selfish and want to live longer, look younger and be able to chase "those neighbor kids" out of my yard with a switch.


]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/with-a-side-of-toxins.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/with-a-side-of-toxins.php Mon, 26 Mar 2012 11:15:04 -0500 The Photos
I have a lot of pictures that, if I show them to my local friends or my kids, it would mean nothing to them. That blows. It means I have a lot of stories that, whenever I tell them now, require explaining bits that A) are tiring to explain and B)  are not exactly flattering reminders of past mistakes.  If you are around familiar people you don't have to explain that you have been married before - everybody knows that it was painful and they know you don't enjoy saying it. You don't have to say how awful college was, they probably knew you then. It would be no surprise how many houses you've owned, cars you've bought or places you've traveled. 
But if you are like me, familiarity is not a luxury you have.

I look at my pictures from time to time. Worst part is, I truly do miss the people in the photos. I wish they knew me now, my husband, my kids. No amount of Facebook can revive the friendships. They have moved on and, truly, it's what had to be done. But sometimes I wish I could tell them that I never forgot the things they said, that my loyalty to them is still strong. I'd be there if they ever need me.

17105717_a260ed106e.jpg
634611888_9a89737a11.jpg
2105861277_e5d97f9b78.jpg
56179349_185631ca6c_o.jpg
2105862157_25fe1135c7.jpg
1458641963_85324760f0.jpg
1459632208_35b2929b9d.jpg
1459573654_f186651825.jpg

1677416802_90771e319d.jpg
1695423486_f65e14e3e4.jpg

]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/the-photos.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/the-photos.php Sun, 25 Mar 2012 12:20:21 -0500 100 words
I thought maybe I could start committing to 100 words every day. Then I remembered I am lucky enough to write at all so counting those words may push me over the edge. So, I'm going to see how just a commitment to write every day turns out. I'm going to tell you now not to expect the usual. That shit is long. These coming entries will probably be more like, "Blah" and possibly even confusing unless you have known me a long time. 

I don't advise my relatives on either side read this. In fact, I wish I could erase the site from your memory. But if I did that I'd have start anew. Again. And I'm too old and tired for that. So, here is your grain of salt. Shh.


]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/100-words.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/03/100-words.php Sun, 25 Mar 2012 12:06:44 -0500 Play Fair

IMG_0494.JPGMy greatest interest beyond my children is transpersonal psychology so navigating social networks like Facebook is a challenge I enjoy. This machine with the screen allows me to have relationships with many people I would not otherwise know, specifically, friends from my hometown and friends from other places very far away from where I now live. I have to tell you internet friends - The majority of you... Well, we are not alike.
]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/01/i-spend-a-lot-of.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2012/01/i-spend-a-lot-of.php Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:16:29 -0500 A Well, Not an Onion The weather, the rain, is forcing me to think back. I hate it when that happens. 

Because of the way my life is now I am sometimes slightly shocked to remember how it was. I am surprised when I read an old poem I wrote, detailing the measure of my feelings from back then. Shrek says ogers are onions. I hear that on my children's dvd and I nod to myself.  I am a well. A dee, deep well. I shudder when I think of what's down there...

The Daughter


I 

Am not a flower

And I am not the thorn of your rose

I 

Am not your lover

This is not the way the ballad goes 


I 

Am not the answer

And I cannot bother with more lies

I 

Am not the cancer

And I am not the babe who sweetly cries


Bring to me

All your misery

For I am not the sunshine that you see

Hold me down

This your holy water

Cause I am not the sun, but the daughter


I 

Am not a story

And I am not your moment of regret

I 

Am not a warning

This too I’m sure you will forget


I

Am not the data 

I am not merely DNA

I 

am not the pattern

and I am not there when you pray


Bring to me

All the misery

For I am not the sunshine that you seek

Hold me down

In unholy water

Cause I’m not the sun, but the daughter 


I 

am not your crisis

And I am not the secret to be told

I

Am not a player

I never learned how to be so cold


I

Am not the mistress

I am not the reason for your lie

I

Am not returning

I have already made up my mind


You have brought me

So much misery

And I tried to be the sunshine that you seek

I am swimming through 

Your unholy water 

I am not the sun but the daughter.

]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/12/a-well-not-an-onion.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/12/a-well-not-an-onion.php Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:21:33 -0500 Get OUT!
Of course, being the digital age, and being the slaves to our media that we are, we documented every meal, every drink along the way via Twitter and Facebook. Because somehow it didn't really happen unless I took my internet friends along for the ride. 
As I write now, I can hear my friends John Laney and Stephanie Connor, screaming at me to take a real vacation and leave the damn phone off. You have your ways. I have mine.

Anywho, it was really good to be with my sis. To be with someone who laughs at herself the way I laugh at her/myself.  I mean there is no one who can make you feel quite as sane as your sibling can. Those habits that mom passed on to us... Such as flipping our husbands the bird when they leave the room, researching people from our past and the ever annoying struggle to convince our children that we are NOT SLAVES; well, knowing I am not the only one in this makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that was the Chardonnay. 

]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/11/if-your-gonna-go-down-go-down-big.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/11/if-your-gonna-go-down-go-down-big.php Mon, 14 Nov 2011 13:52:27 -0500 The Before and AFTER 9/11 - My Personal Story On September 10th, 2001, I wrote this in my journal:


"I was walking to my car this morning when I felt a cool shift in the air, bring about little goosebumps on my arms. I smelled September.

Suddenly I was back in Midwest City Oklahoma and my mom was calling me in the house to set the dinner table. Our green and white checkered curtains above the sink that she made herself were so vivid to me. And the quirky table with the matching vinyl chairs that left their swirl pattern on the backs of my legs were almost real enough to touch. I remembered it all in a split second – the backdrop of my childhood on Willowbrook Drive.  And with the memory came such a longing to go back – just for one dinner.

 

I thought about what I would say to me as an eight-year-old. Knowing what I know now, would I look into her overly lashed brown eyes and give her a good dose of the Truth?  Would I name the people she should not trust, the people who would hurt her? Should I tell her to forget about Jr. High and High School and College as being the places she would find self worth? Should I beg her to be more cautious about the boys and men who are capable of breaking her heart? And still, would I give her a list of people she should spend more time with – Grandma Ruby K, her big sister, Alice, Grandpa and her namesake, Grandma Rene? If I had one night with eight-year-old me, what would I do with that precious time?

At that age, I was, by most accounts, completely innocent. I did all the things that kids do and I took the time to know what September smelled like. As I sit here now thinking about it, I guess I might’ve been happy. So I can’t help but wonder if maybe I would reveal nothing to Penny Rene age 8 if I saw her. Maybe what I would be wiser to do is ask her what her favorite book is, what she likes about her big brother, what’s her mom’s specialty dish, and  - Isn’t Grandma Rene funny? And I would ask her what she wants to be when she grows up.  

 

Sigh…. Lately, when everybody looks so tired and my pen feels like a toothpick hurled at my giant ego, I cannot help but miss that innocence. Today I have been trying to remember how all my big dreams of being a writer began. One little girl in her Robin Egg Blue room, with a shelf full of books that would all be read and a pine cone tree hideaway across the street where she could find some peace. It was a good time."


]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/09/on-september-10th-2001-i.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/09/on-september-10th-2001-i.php Sun, 11 Sep 2011 07:34:32 -0500 "Don't Knock If The Door To My Suite Is Closed" One summer I was laying on the bank of the Rhine in Schaffhausen and the next thing I knew I was 40 years old.


That's exactly how it happened, I swear.  Enter the Mid Life Crisis....

I'm hard on myself. Or, I used to be. There was a lot I wanted to do. A very long agenda, if you will. And though, it can be argued that I have done a lot, it will never be enough. Lots of people my age feel that way. It's easy to get discouraged now. Heck, we're halfway to 80. The grey hair is no joke. The achy joints have to be oiled and worked. You don't turn 40 and get all Zen. You turn 40 and you say, "Wow, I'm 40! Can you inject this caffeine right into my arm, please?"

So, I thought I would tell you a secret today. In honor of my wise old age and your old age and the fact that nothing truly wise is coming into my brain at the moment...

I wanted to sing on stage with LIVE. I wanted to be the Bob Geldof of my generation. In fact, in my great fantasy of my perfect day, I am onstage with ol' Bob as he pats me on my back in front of millions of cheering fans. Bono is there and so is Lenny Kravitz. I have orchestrated the largest fundraising event ever in the history of charitable causes. MY charity, the one that educates volunteers on civil rights issues around the world by providing opportunities for cross cultural living, is the recipient of these funds. We are a magazine, a non-profit company of 36 employees and hundreds of volunteers. It's more effective than the Peace Corps, more real than missionary work, and it's changing the whole damn world.

live_aid_wembley.jpg
94111.gif.jpeg
248-9.jpeg
In this vision, my children are toddlers. My husband orchestrated the PR for the whole campaign. I have long, dark hair. I am a size 6 vegetarian and never before have I been more vibrant and inspiring. In fact, I am in serious demand to speak at university graduations. Tina Fey and I are close friends and Sting invites my family out for a holiday.

Need I go on?

Let me tell you what I am doing today. This morning I opened the most awesome birthday presents from Mike and the kids and my daughter sang me the Phineas and Ferb version of "Mom It's Your Birthday".  Right now I am typing this blog, then picking up my kids from day camp and going swimming at my in-laws. I might order pizza for dinner. If I'm lucky, I will listen to some music in the car that was a birthday gift from my friend James. Before I go to bed, I have my new Endurance Training Program to do. It's going to kick my ass. 

Life is never what we expect. But it is what we make it. If you are as "old" as I am today I want you to know that we're all in this together. Whatever you thought you'd do by now and didn't - well....there's still time left on the clock.  
There may be a geriatric version of my fantasy day in the future. I'm not quite ready to give up. Until then, poor Ed Kowalczyk will have to wait.

PS - Ed turns 40 on Saturday, so we're cool.


]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/07/dont-knock-if-the-door-to-my-suit-is-closed.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/07/dont-knock-if-the-door-to-my-suit-is-closed.php Wed, 13 Jul 2011 11:32:32 -0500 Now You Wanna FRIEND Me? Several years ago a man that I loved very much broke up with me. While this is something that I hear happens in life with alarming regularity, for various unworthy reasons, it is not something that has happened to me much. I was the Ender, the Runner, the Non-commital one in the majority of my relationships, both big and small.  After that break up, I wrote this depressing little diddy called Every Word You Said. Aside from venting my frustration about being left flapping in the wind, I had much to say about the apparent lies the man had fed me during our long relationship. 


All the late night guilty pleasure

you had the balls to sulk 

While I put to rest my demons

You saw not me, but my ghost

When all else was confusing

Tell me, how clear was my touch?

It was nothing that you'd known before

And still was not enough

Merritt Malloy said, "Relationships that do not end peacefully, do not end at all."  Social networks like Facebook are booming, in large part, because of the regret that lingers for years after we have walked away from each other. Oh, we say we have no regrets because having regrets is immature. Ironically, immaturity is at the core of most of those bad break-ups, isn't it? But, like it or not, all these relationships have an impact on us. All those people are not just mistakes, but teachers too. We learned. And we should be thankful.

For a long time it felt as though every one of my relationships ended because I went on auto-pilot with one the one goal of proving to my other half that he did not love me as he thought he did. 
I was young. I was dumb. I was not easily guided.  

While I couldn't focus on the solutions to my relationship struggles, I was able to navigate quite well through the debris after. For me, the years after a relationship ended were like the moments after a hard storm. Everything looked bright and I was thankful for being alive. I clearly remember one significant other angrily screaming at me during our break up, "I know YOU'LL be fine! YOU are always fine!" 

Still, I was not always the one dealing the blows. I've been the bird in the cage, the stunned victim of abuse, and the one who was betrayed. I know what it is like. Very hard to look at your demolished life and imagine doing anything with your abuser other than pushing him off the nearest cliff. That's why I'm thankful for time. Time to process. Time to accept. Opportunity, no matter how many years have passed, to say I'm sorry. Opportunity to forgive. That may be why I still keep contact. I am looking for the moment when we can both say we learned from our failure and did not let it make us bitter.

Yes, I'm THAT woman. The one who remembers all the past loves and wants us all to be Facebook Friends.

I am confused by the lack of clarity with which people regard their past lovers, friends and ex-spouses. When someone speaks hatefully about an ex-spouse, especially if the couple had children together, I am... well, lost. I can't fathom it. I can't understand it. 

I read the profiles of my exes. I sometimes read the Twitter updates and the blogs of those in their lives too. It is a casual and non-consuming thing I do - checking in on the lives of those who once considered me family.  While I don't use a great deal of time doing this, I am also not ashamed that I care what happens to these people. I am not ashamed that, though my love for them is changed, it is not gone. I quietly rejoice in their new loves, accomplishments and happiness. And I even more quietly, still feel their sadness when things are not so right for them. 

I have been told by some that this is not a normal thing to do, that it's unhealthy. But I can't imagine that it would be healthy for me to connect with people and disconnect like love is some sort of switch that I can flip on and off. 
 
After the end of a relationship, when the dust settles, you should take another look at that person you extracted from your heart. You should also take another look in the mirror. And if you are the compassionate, honest person you attempt to be, you will find a way to look past the stupid things you both said and did. There are a million reasons why relationships don't work out. Unfortunately, we often get so fixated on the debris of a fallout that we forget that at the core of the situation are two people who wanted to make each other happy. 

If we forget the laughs, the irreplaceable happy moments that a past love brought to our lives, the least we can do is this. Acknowledge that we did learn from that person. That, in itself, is valuable. Those lessons, it seems should generate enough respect for those in our past that we regard them with smiles instead of anger or fear or complete apathy. No, we don't have to be Facebook Friends. We don't have to "pretend nothing ever happened". But we can be gentle and kind. We can move on without destroying all the good that once was.

I recently heard from an old friend of mine who was once an integral part of my daily life. We hadn't spoke in four years. We talked about the past and important things we did together. It was nice. And then he said something I wasn't expecting. He said he learned a lot from me.  I can't explain how wonderful it felt to have that nostalgia, that friendly thank you, returned to me. Becoming friends with an old love isn't necessarily going backwards, you know. It's more so moving forward, when you do so peacefully.

When people ask me why I am still friends with my exes, I explain that it's because I CAN. And I'm happy about that.


]]> http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/07/remember-when-people-could-be.php http://www.slowmotionrace.com/posts/2011/07/remember-when-people-could-be.php Fri, 01 Jul 2011 10:12:44 -0500