The Odds

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When I am old and look back on my life I may not be able to say that I did everything that I wanted to do. But I want to be able to say that I tried. 

What I learned over my many years of mistakes and surprising achievements is that the best I can hope for is to know when to accept defeat and when to keep pushing toward my goal. 

This past December, I began to accept the possibility that I would not be having another child; that August would be the only. We had been trying for almost a year, and with two miscarriages behind me, I really felt the universe or God or whoever is in charge of passing out babies had decided I was too old. Or too neurotic or too tired.

I tried. No one can say I didn't try.

And while I was thinking all these thoughts about infertility and my "damn uterus" and how lucky I am to have my one kid, the universe smiled at me as a little baby snuggled itself inside that very same uterus. And that is where he/she is still, twelve weeks later. 
I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

It was only today after seeing this baby on the ultrasound screen for the third time that I really believed it was real, that this baby is going to be born and that I have to think of another name that will sound good next to his/her notorious sister, August Moon. It was only now that I feel comfortable telling the internet world, all my friends and extended family. 

Having a baby isn't as easy as the TV makes it seem. The older you get, the less confidence you have in your body to cooperate. Having known so many women who have not been successful giving birth this late in the game sort of sets me up for calculating my odds and fretting over everything that is beyond my control.

But then I look back on those many, many times in my life when I was told the odds were not in my favor due to my education, my gender, my experience, my past failures. I have to say, "the odds"are a load of crap in my case. I mean, holy hell. I'm pregnant. We're gonna have another baby! Somebody bring me some ice-cream!

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