My Big Fat Head

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As I shut the bathroom door behind me, I turned to my reflection in the full length mirror. Up, down, turn around for a view of my backside. How nice. They have the kind of mirrors that made people look thinner. It's not the kind of thing you expect from a medical imaging office. But, hey, we're already stressed. Best to look here and say, "My arse looks kinda small" before you go off to have your brain scanned or your boobs squeezed.

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So, that's what I was thinking on Wednesday. I was thinking my butt looked good and I hope I don't have brain cancer. And I don't, in case you are worried. No brain cancer. No signs of unusually high intelligence either. But you probably already knew that. What I do have is a pretty gruesome deviated septum (Sweet!) and narcolepsy - which I have known about since 1992. But not the fun narcolepsy where I get to sleep at inappropriate times. Just the kind where I have to get enough sleep at night or I have lucid dreams and sleep paralyzation. Which I guess could be fun if you are into that. 

I'm sure that THINKING you might have a brain tumor or lesion or whatnot is not nearly the same as having one. But the not knowing - the 2 weeks before it's all revealed - that's probably similar for lots of us. You do your general review of your life, panic sets in, and then you figure you will fight to the end because anything else is just stupid and a waste of trauma. If there is going to be trauma, you have to face it. You just have to.

Of course the non-diagnosis has it's drawbacks. I mean, what the hell was with my whole stuttering thing in 2008? Why have I lost some hearing in my right ear? What is that whooshing sound that keeps time with my heart? Why am I getting more clumsy? Why do I think crocs are cute?  As my 3 year old son used to say "It's a mithtery." The investigation will continue.

All I know for sure is, I'm scheduling my next mammogram at Holmdel Imaging right before swimsuit season.  I'm bringing a few bikini's with me to that bathroom so I can make a decision in front of that mirror.


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