Recently in Mating Category

I was going through some old files on my hard drive and found this, circa 2004, probably. That was when I thought maybe I'd like to write for GQ. That alone, is comedy enough.

Things You Don’t Know About Women:

We wish all of you were required to take a class on how to bring us to orgasm. Because 90% of you have no clue.

Hiding your "package" behind sheets, a pillow or your fumbling hands after sex is not good. Letting it all hang out, like the man we know you are reeks of confidence and may get you a second round.

We want to love you. We really do.

We don't want to think about car maintenance, how to make the stereo sound better or what brand of tools are in the garage.

We think that if you want us to buy bigger breasts, it's only fair that you buy a bigger dick.

Your mother doesn't like us and we know it.

The amount we trust you and the more communication you give is directly linked to how much and what quality nooky you'll be getting.

We are counting your drinks at dinner even if you aren't.

If we feed you, clean your apartment or buy you an item of clothing, we are probably falling in love with you.

Watching you play on a sports team or in a band makes us want to rip your clothes off right then and there. So don't ignore us after the big game; we're just getting started.

marriahebed.jpgLast month Mike and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary by going to the NYC Ballet to see Romeo & Juliet and staying an evening at the Hudson Hotel like we did last year. 

At the risk of sounding completely gluttonous, I must say that the absolute best thing about staying at any hotel that doesn't back up to an interstate is the food. Specifically ROOM SERVICE. There is something about paying a devastating amount of money to have someone else prepare my breakfast, wrap it in crisp white linens and deliver it onto my bed where I am nestled in my pajamas. And the TV is on. And there are no cartoons. And the coffee is hot. Oh yeah, and my husband is there.

Even though I was battling an evil head-cold, we had a great time. And not just because of the food, though these pictures show little evidence that I cared of anything else. "Feed a cold", right?

If you ever need me to give you a kidney, just bring me breakfast in bed.


Tough Love

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As part of my calculated attempt to remain up to date on all the important events in the world, I watched the reunion thingy of The Real Housewives of Orange County the other night. Low and behold, I think Vicki might get a divorce. And because crying in my bed with a pint of Guinness at my side was not an option, I decided to weigh in on this not so recent divorce trend. Because I am slow like that. And shy.

Years ago, when Prince fans all over Philadelphia were partying with big hair, I started writing publicly about my life. Because my life revolved around my repeated failures in love, loyalty and career, this is what I wrote. I had no shame then. At the very least I wrote how I felt even if I couldn't say why. More often that not, the blame of my failures was all mine. But by far, the biggest thing I sucked at was marriage. And that is why I am oh so qualified to talk about it now.

Locked Up

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"I'm cold all the time." (puts her cold hands on his arm)

"You're a cold hearted snake. Look into my eyes."

"You been tellin' lies"

"I don't know how or why I know that song."

Uh huh.
This weekend I will celebrate 2 years of marriage to the sexiest man I have ever known. What is it, you ask, that makes a man so sexy? So much to say, so little time. Let us go on a photographic journey that will make him cringe and many women weep inside.